


Not a crisis in faith,  but a revelation of reality

by infiniteworld8



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Absent Parents, Anger, Atheism, Character Study, Childhood Trauma, Existential Crisis, Introspection, Loss of Faith, Loss of Innocence, Loss of Trust, Tarsus IV, Teen Jim, The Tarsus IV Massacre
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-25
Updated: 2015-09-25
Packaged: 2018-04-23 06:34:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4866734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infiniteworld8/pseuds/infiniteworld8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He doesn't believe anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not a crisis in faith,  but a revelation of reality

There is no God.

He knows that with every fibre of his soul. Beaten down, blood stained fingers, death lingering his nostrils and a gore tipped knife in his hand. It wasn't like religion was a big thing in the 23rd century, not like it had been on Earth back during the 20th or the 21st...or all those decades before where people and fought and died over a concept no one could prove.

But this...this is different. This is something he knows.

His mother may have tried to give him some skewed fundamental belief in a creator...maybe she had a need to believe in something else than just this....a world that was so cold and uncaring that one you loved could be snatched away without reason. Maybe she needed the hope of being able to see someone again. But he can't begin to accept her lies...it's just another one for him.

There is no God.

How could someone...anyone allow what happened to him...to all the others...to thousands of people. How can you hurt someone you claim to love, how can you allow them to hurt?...that's a question he's tried to answer and failed. It started with his mother...and at first he thought it was him….sometimes he still does. If he was a little better, faster, stronger, smarter...then he would be worthy of being loved. He would be worthy of being saved.

 And now he has an answer. Because he's cried, screamed, begged. He's bleed onto the cold dark ground and prayed and wished with every conviction that he can that someone somewhere would save them...not save him...just save _them_.

He knows he’s a sinner. Knows he’s wrong and evil and just not right. Knows his dad died for him and he’s a good for nothing little shit. Frank and his mother’s words always ring in his ears.

But as he looks at the other kids…his friends…his charges. Riley is curled up sucking a thumb, Carla’s cradling the baby they found as she dozes. Tommy’s eye bandage has slipped and the yawning crater that used to be apart of his face is peeking out. There’s so many others…past and present. The ones lying on the stony uneven ground and those lying under it. He just wants them to be saved. That’s all he’s begged for.

And no one answered.

He doesn't believe anymore. He doesn't think anyone will ever save him. He lost that child's belief in the dark rooms at Frank's hands, with his mother's cold absences, with Sam running and not caring who he left, in the cold bodies lying all around and the dead barrenness of Tarsus IV.  And he doesn’t think anyone will save the others…not some nameless faceless being he’s never seen.

Kirk picks up the knife lying beside him and straightens his shoulders. Turning his eyes to the slowly rising dawn.  He doesn’t believe in fate. He doesn’t believe in God.

And he doesn’t want to anymore.

He’s going to save them himself.

Because no else is coming.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't see Kirk as religious...maybe agnostic. But I think he would have anger about everything that's happened in his life. It's really hard to keep faith in anything when stuff keeps happening and you've never seen a hint of anyone watching out for you. Where is God then? Where is God now?


End file.
